HT Home / Blogs Home >
Turned On / Between The Sheet, Sex and Relationship, Sex and Relationships, sex / Mapping Monogamy
Mapping Monogamy
What do you say when someone tells you conversationally: “”It’s not that I don’t believe in monogamy. It’s that I don’t think that monogamy is the only possible expression of human needs and desires,”" Well if you’re a woman you roll your eyes and look at him in disgust thinking “what a sleazebag”. If you’re man, you snigger as if something very naughty has just been said. At least that’s what happened at a recent do I went to. But it got me thinking…are we really suited for monogamous relationships?
It’s a difficult question that needs a little digging. To begin with, the concept of marriage – as a passionate partnership based on love– is relatively a modern one. In ancient times, wives were taken only for breeding, marriage was a reproductive factory – essential to protect paternal identity. For sex there were courtesans. With time and religion, marriage became what some sociologists call a “lust containment facility” – wherein sex was not allowed outside marriage but the bond itself could be used to satiate lust. It literally took thousands of years for “love” to be seen as an essential ingredient for marriage.
Why are we terrible at monogamy?
The thing is that modern marriage puts up a few unrealistic expectations – like the sex will be sizzling 30 years down the line! Sex in marriage can be good, and it can be satisfying, and it can be vital, and it can be important, but it’s not like you want to rip your clothes off with somebody that you’re sleeping with for the 1,000th time. And that’s something that very few focus on. I mean look at all our popular culture: there’s so much emphasis on falling in love and getting married. But nobody takes a hard look at married life.
And they should. Fact is — married love is very different from the premarital love that got you to the altar. We could learn a lot about what is in the nature of marriage and separate that from what our personal problems might be. We could probably have fewer divorces if people realized that some of the problems couples experience actually have to do a lot with the nature of married life. It’s the only relationship that is both domestic and sexual. It’s very hard when you’re living day in and day out with one person. That’s the antithesis of passionate sex. Passion withers in a daily routine. It just does. It doesn’t mean that you don’t desire each other. It doesn’t mean that marriage isn’t hugely rewarding. It’s just that you have to be prepared.
For some people, monogamy works very well. For some people, it’s extremely difficult. It doesn’t take superhuman powers of observation to notice that many people cannot take a vow of monogamy and keep it forever; and when we do, it is often out of fear of the consequences, not out of commitment to our partner. Far from signaling true connection, monogamy can become a substitute for emotional attachment. You either end up with divorce or else live out the rest of your married life in quiet desperation.
Can marriage be bigger than monogamy?
Monogamy is not just “the way people are.” As anthropologists such as Helen Fisher have shown, monogamy is only one of the many strategies people use to ensure stability. The key, in all instances, is to strike a balance between maintaining relationships to raise kids and providing outlets for desire, both male and female.
But it all gets confusing. If we feel bored sexually then that means there is something wrong with the marriage. Here is this other person we’re totally attracted to. We want to sleep with them. But then that betrays the marriage. And because of how we have been programmed, you feel that gut-wrenching fear that often accompanies hearing that your lover has had sex with someone else. Why does sex trigger that fear more acutely than almost anything else? Is it fear of abandonment? Loss? Why is having a one-night stand more threatening to most of us than having a long, intimate conversation in which we bare our soul but not our bodies?
All difficult questions. The trouble is our thinking about monogamy has been blinkered by any number of cultural biases. Physiotherapist Adam Phillips says: “Infidelity is such a problem because we take monogamy for granted; we treat it as the norm. perhaps we should take infidelity for granted. Then we would be able to think about monogamy.” But how many of us do that? Consider discussing monogamy with your spouse over dinner. The conversation is likely to get terse and difficult. And that’s maybe because it’s such a powerful quasi-sacred idea.
In the end, people need to figure out that marriage is bigger and more important than a concept called monogamy. And that’s something that we’ve lost sight of. It took a thousand years to get love into the marriage equation, it may take another thousand to get monogamy out.
(4 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ...Posted by Vijay Thapa on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Filed under Between The Sheet, Sex and Relationship, Sex and Relationships, sex · Tagged affair, lust, Mapping monogamy, marriage, mistress, sex, wives
(4.67 out of 5)
Vijay — are you suggesting a world of free sex. Monogamy has its virtues too you know. And if you want sex outside marriage — the right kind of man or woman would first break the relationship. Take it from me — I had a cheating spouse and it ruined my family and my life. Monogamy may not be in our nature. But by following it we save ourselves from the torture and chaos of our cheating spouses.
[Reply]
the way jayanto is reacting is very natural and it has got some answer to questions raised by vijay.so many years of living in the institution of marriage has made us morons.funny part is jayanto is accepting that monogamy may not be natural,still it is needed to keep family together.according to me a more mature way of dealing with it is to consider love and sex two different things.i find it absolutely normal to love my wife and at the same time,seek for sexual enjoyment at some times.and the civilized way is that i should accept the same about my spouse as well.but alas,the poison is much deep rooted and vijay is right that it will take a long time,although observing the way things are changing,it could be much earlier than 1000 years.
[Reply]
varsha Reply:
May 16th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
i know it sounds awful…..but I actually agree with you….hmmmm
[Reply]
rakesh Reply:
May 19th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
may i know what you feel was awful.i mean which portion from my views.
[Reply]
Deb Reply:
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Maybe what ’sounds awful’ is a lady agreeing to a critique of monogamy?! In the disparate societal equation currently prevailing between the genders, an all round negation of monogamy may actually lead to the men in a traditional setting getting away with promiscuousness, while continuing to hold their (heterosexual) partners to the olden ‘virtuous’ standards. But looking at the target audience for this blog (English reading, mostly urban, with internet access…), the thought seems progressive.
Hi Vijay.If sex is between the ears as it is between the ……, then no one is monogamous, technically.And if sex is a need then “love” is also a basic human need. Why don”t you also discuss this from a woman”s perspective too.Can sex become a way to affirm an emotional bond?Or do women use sex to manipulate men?Any way i like your blog .Its witty and interesting.
[Reply]
AGupta Reply:
July 9th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I agree with Rinku…I think you bring up a common debate (the old “monogamy is unnatural” shtick) but don’t explore any of the really interesting questions about it. Who is monogamous? How do different people define “monogamy” anyway? And where is the woman’s perspective? You write that “women were taken for breeding.” But I’m sure women have a different perspective on all this.
Also, you act as if the natural and best course of action is to remove “monogamy” from marriage. The truth is, few people I know have that kind of confidence. Most men would be shaken to the core to hear that their wives are having hot sex with other men (sexual jealousy is biological, isn’t it?) and most women would feel the same. Letting go of sexual jealousy requires a profound amount of sexual and personal confidence, and most men I know (as well as most women) just don’t have it. As the sex advice columnist Dan Savage has famously said, “Monogamy doesn’t exist because you want to have sex with one person for the rest of your life. It exists because you want your partner to only have sex with one person for the rest of their life.” It’s a trade-off. We’ve known that for ages.
[Reply]
My reaction would be the same as Jayanto’s. If you are expecting stability in life (which is what marriage is expected to provide), then you have to offer stability as well. Monogamy is difficult no doubt, but when you commit yourself to a marriage or a relationship, then it means you are accepting it because being with the person is important to you. If you want to be free to have sex, then don’t get married, don’t commit. Going against monogamy defeats the whole institution of marriage. But doesn’t love expect monogamy too? I will not be okay with my lover sleeping around for sure! If the passion has run out of sex, I will try to make it interesting for him so that he begins to enjoy again. Isn’t that what love is all about after all? If there are no rules, there cannot be a stable society and stable relationships.
[Reply]
The only monogamous person that comes to mind is a mythological figure. His dad was polyandrous. Not sure whether porn existed in those days. Sex did and so did the seduction and abduction. Also the manupalitve ways there after. But frankly, monogamy is a “parody of porn” !!
[Reply]
I totally agree with Rinku. See from a women’s perspective, only a man can say all this. For a women after marriage its not merely a sexual attraction but its genuine emotional attachment.
Emotions can never be compared to Monogamy.
[Reply]
varsha Reply:
May 16th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Divya , ….a huge mistake to assume that women and men look for different things inside and outside of marriage.
I am shocked by what I see my female friends doing (ones who are married)…they are seeking sex and fun outside of marriage even though they have been married only a few years!
I guess women have always been very very discreet in what they do.
[Reply]
Mann Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Varsha, it is really true -women are always very discreet in what they do!!!
[Reply]
DC Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
there lies the problem Divya. Some people feels emotionally attached to more than one(n ofcourse they feel it genuinely).
[Reply]
I have had married men propose to me twice in India. On one occasion the man said: “I am unhappily married, I have two children, I don’t love my wife but I have to stay with her – there is no way out. But I feel a massive chemistry between you and me. My background means nothing. If you and I connect then why shouldn’t we go for it? What is marriage and children compared to the connection you and I have? We share so much in common and I really like you. Isnt that more important? When I am not with my wife I feel like I am single.”
The second man said: “I am a modern progressive Indian man. Yes, I am married, but I am in an open relatioinship. If I am not hurting anyone what does it matter? My wife lets me do what I want. She knows I would not be happy just with her. I am honest with her and with my partners. I am not hurting anyone so not doing anything wrong.”
So, if its happened to me twice, it must be happening to other people. There are definitely men out there, sticking with their wives, but clearly looking for affairs. These men seem unhappy and unable to be in a monogomous relationship. Personally I am dead against it. I think that when you marry someone you are committing to monogomy, otherwise there is no purpose in getting married. Women today can earn their own keep, live alone and have boyfriends, so there is no need for us to get married anymore, like there was say 40 years ago when career options for women were more limited. So basically you should marry who you love and commit to them. If you can’t do that, do not marry. I would see my marriage as a challenge and if the sex got boring, would work at spicing it up, perhaps by spending time apart and coming back together, but certainly not by having an affair.
[Reply]
varsha Reply:
May 16th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
but what happens when you have kids….here is the situation……
you have a nice home, young kids and a pretty stable life……your husband is not an awful guy but you both just dont have anything in common anymore , have grown apart and have an extremely boring life together, you try to spice up the relationship but the physical attraction is just not there anymore
what will you do? will you break up your marriage, your house, deprive your kids of one parent….or would you have a discreet affair here and there and keep your married home intact?
[Reply]
rakesh Reply:
May 19th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
varsha,your question also contains its answer,no?
[Reply]
Deb Reply:
June 2nd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
With all due respect, Naomi, I think you’re looking at the issue from a non-Indian perspective. There, to my (admittedly limited) understanding, people get into physical relationships before marriage with no compunctions or guilt or having to look behind their backs (thank God for that!). Then, after a few (or more, depending on one’s choice) such relationships, one ‘goes steady’ with someone, which may flower into marriage after a protracted process of hits or misses and trying out the other person thoroughly. So sex is completely out of the equation by the time one comes to the altar. This is the way it should be, anywhere.
Here in India, again to my (a bit less limited!) understanding, the avenues for physical relationship were quite limited till late last millennuim – this is relevant since these would be people who got into a marriage then (many, at least partly, for sex?) and now feel stifled by the ‘lack of more opportunities’. So this is the genration which is probably feeling ‘left out’, and the prevailing pop culture only accentuates that feeling.
So your solution to marry someone only when you are committed is sure applicable any time, but only the current generation of youngsters, unshackled economically and socially/morally at last, find themselves able to follow this (power be to them!), which was not the case with the earlier generation. My guess (hope?) is that many such issues may work themselves out due to the more relaxed social mores now coming into play – the youngsters of today may get into marriage only when they’re ready to commit to mongamy (do Western studies refute such a trend?). Amen.
[Reply]
First Vijay, all men did not keep concubines in ancient and medieval times. Only men who were of the aristocratic classes did that – their money and social positions afforded them that burden. And out of the aristocratic classes, not all kept lovers.
There have always been some lower classes and tribal people who had more than one wife, and in polyandrous societies, more than one husband. In fact, in South India today you will find one or two polyandrous tribes where women have up to five husbands simultaneously. Since you are so close to that region you might want to do some hands on investigative reporting to see how it works. The system is that each husband has their own hut and she rotates between them and between her menstrual cycles so that paternity is never in doubt.
Because that is part of that tribe’s culture and the children are conditioned since birth to consider that “natural”, they do. Everything depends on how we were conditioned in our culture.
If someone has a polyamorous streak, better they inform their future spouse of the same BEFORE they get married. That way they can find someone who also has the same streak and will engage in an “open marriage”. There are some couples like that spotted throughout the globe.
However, when one of the partners decides AFTER already being married that he/she wants to be polyamorous, it does not work. I have seen marriages crumble over this.
But nowadays online you can find everything. So if there is someone who would like to live in a truly open relationship – join an online group and find like-minded people there.
What is wrong is when a man or woman announces AFTER marriage to his or her trusting spouse that they now want the marriage to be “open”. Most spouses would NOT appreciate that.
Also, even with polyamorous couples who say that this is an wonderful lifestyle and “our relationship has deepened” and all that jazz – believe me, there are issues. Human beings are possessive and jealous by nature, even when they claim not to be. Also, at some point someone in the group is going to get PREGNANT and boy, oh boy, does that change things.
So before anyone starts down this path – they better think long and hard about the consequences.
[Reply]
DC Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
cant stop my imagination. what if one man rotates aroud in five-six different huts. hell he’ll have to remember six different menstrual cycles. If this is the case everybody will accept monogamy.
moreover please enshrine some of ur knowledge-”where can i locate these online groups”?
[Reply]
well…. vijay, why don’t you tell everyone the best kept marriage secret of India… “Apna haath Jaganaath.”
It can keep the marriage going well!
The other possible solution is buying face masks of popular film stars. If your spouse starts appearing a bit boring, you can always ask him or her to wear the face mask. Then you can dream that you are doing it with your favourite star !!
Third solution. One very very very senior journalist friend of mine was blessed with what he thought was a “homely” wife. He strategically plastered nude blowups of Hollywood stars just above the bed. The strategy and placement is important here. So every time he did it, he believed that he was doing it to the nudies on the wall.
The result, he confessed is perfect. “It makes my duties so simple….” he would sigh.
[Reply]
Prabhu Razdan Reply:
June 9th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Dear Vijay,
Fantastic, ur reply really is.
regds
prabhu
[Reply]
rakesh Reply:
July 1st, 2009 at 9:29 am
what about the wife?
[Reply]
Vijay, kudos to u for this article for it poses many pertinent questions. I think when u point a finger at monogamy, u r automatically pointing finger at the institution of marriage bcoz marriage (in conventional terms) is nothing but a promise to the person one is married to that one wud not share, let alone a physical, but even a romantic relationship with another person.
Now, many or probably all human beings are not programmed genetically to be monogamous. A big argument in favour of this notion is the fact that everyone (or most ppl) develop several crushes all throgh their life before finding ‘that one person’ and even after that. Now crushes are basically a strong physical attraction towards another person. This shows that human beings, even after decades of having been forced into monogamous relationships (through marriages) have not become genetically programmed to remain monogamous all thru their lives.
So this article basically looks at the sexual part of marriage life with scepticism. And i wud agree with Vijay when he says that sexual-monogamy shud be removed from the institution of marriage. But this shud not mean cheating on the person u r married to, instead one shud allow one’s partner to seek physical love outside marriage and shud seek permission from one’s partner before engaging in sexual activities with another person. Yeah i know it sounds scandalising, more so bcoz we live in a country called India, but i m talking about an ideal situation (according to me).
Well, if u ask me, i wud get a bit further and wud advocate scapping of marriages only. Majority wud argue that it will give rise to a hell lot of instability but then if stability is purchased in exchange of mojority’s peace of mind and health, then wat is the use of such a stability. Instead of marriages, live-ins shud become a norm where one can live without any attached strings. Marriages forces ppl to become monogamous, they act as a kind of emotional burden on both the partners similar to an unspoken emotional blackmail and thus cause a lot of mental stress and years of dispiritedness for both the partners. Therefore, marriages do unquestionably provide stability in life but they also curb freedom and provide dissatisfaction and stress and can cause acute unhappiness and anything which causes unhappiness, from my perspective, shud be abolished because i think that nothing shud be placed above a person’s happiness and contentment.
I am aware that my proposition has loopholes but certainly they can be reomoved by working on it.
P.S These are the views of an unmarried gentleman who knows both married and unmarried female human beings wud like to slaughter him if they cud do it legally.
[Reply]
varsha Reply:
July 19th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
lol..read this after a long time…I (unmarried female) and a friend (married female) were just discussing this some weeks ago and came to the conclusion that monogamy just aint possible…atleast not for everyone…I dunno why men think that all women are proponents of monogamy..its just not like that..
but i’ll tell you one thing…if you are in a relationship and your woman starts sleeping with another man, it’ll hurt you like hell…we all want to have fun (really) but we dont want our partners to have the same fun.
[Reply]
DC Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
u think u have absolute knowledge abt how men thinks?
let me illustrate smthing; it will hurt if my girls sleeps with other man but will it if she start sleeping with five other’s. Ain’t m allowing her more fun?
ur take?
[Reply]
skk,your views are very true.i just wish to add here that is it due to the fact that most of the women loose sexual attractiveness after childbirth,that they are more inclined to monogamy?i dont wish to be judgemental,just adding this comment so that we can continue the discussion.
[Reply]
I started out quite agreeing with your views, and then I pictured having a conversation with the spouse that goes thus: ‘you know, its not like I dont love you, I wouldnt choose anyone else to get married to, or share my thoughts with, or cuddle with, or paint out my dreams to or cook for…with another person, it would be just sex.’….and this begs the obviuos question from the spouse – ‘if I am good enough for all the things you said, then why not good enough for sex?’
So it seems your argument for ‘outing’ monogamy from the marital equation is based on the assumption that people can have sex without love, or more importantly the emotion of ’sharing’.
I think, while maybe once in a blue moon it can be just sex, on most occasions it is about making love and sharing and that doesnt and probably cant stop at just sleeping with the person, it automatically extends to being wholly with the other person.
For me, hard as it may be, monogamy has to be an integral part of the equation. One can forgive an impulse not an undermining of love.
p.s. We can have mutiple friends, and theoretically the same argument ca be extended to partners.
[Reply]
I only 31 now, but when I was younger- between the ages of 17 when I first started dating (a little late but not too far into abnormal I think) and 24 when I started going out with the girl who is now my wife, I dated (or hung out with, or hooked up with) quite a few girls, at least 35 with some `one night’ stands but mainly for one or two months each, with a couple latsing longer (I think 9 months was my longest relationship, but we weren’t `manogamous’ anyway).
And I hated it.
Im not religious, never was, Im not a republican (Im a musician for pity’s sake) and I didnt grow up within a monogamous parental relationship, but I have to say polygamy really didnt (and doesn’t) feel natural to me and that I really was looking for someone to `settle down with’.
I used to dread sex, enjoying doing it (and apparently I was pretty good at it, to the point where I actually had some girls approach me upon the recomendation of their friends who’d Id previously been with), then hate to have to `deal with’ (talk to, look at etc) the person afterwards.
But with my wife it was completely different, I loved hanging out with her and having sex with her amd I constantly looked forward to both, and I still do seven years later. And the idea of havign sex with someone else practically disgusts me.
So, I know Ive plenty of life yet to live, and I cant speak for anyone else but I can honestly say, that without being a social construct or a guilt thing, that sexual monagomy feels natural to me.
[Reply]