Hindustan Times
Never flown first
As your friendly neighbourhood travel expert there are many things that I’ve written about for you: Right from self-indulgent reminisces to gyaan on etiquette while travelling to unfamiliar cultures.
But when it comes to first-class travel, there’s not much I can say, since I’ve always travelled economy. I could write reams about that, but I suspect all of you have been through pretty much the same experiences and have enough interesting (for lack of better adjective) accounts of your own to want (or have the patience) to hear anyone else’s.
Anyhoo, since I’ve been out with fever most of this week, I figured it was a good time to convince one of my favourite bloggers on the www to guest write here, giving us (well, at least me) a glimpse into the unfamiliar world of (ostensibly) comfortable first-class air travel.
So folks, here’s J Alfred Prufrock.
OUTCLASSED!
Four little levers all in a row. One to stop, one to park, maybe one to go? I suppressed a faintly hysterical yelp and concentrated. OK, if we pull on THIS one …The lower part of the seat back suddenly thrust itself into my sacral region with a malevolent hiss. Rattled, I pulled at all the other levers in turn. With the result that when the stewardess came round with the cold towels, her plastic smile dissolved into a giggle at the sight of me. Sprawled in one corner of the seat in a most undignified manner, legs kicking in the air as the evil foot-rest moved up independent of the leg rest and the “recline” lever plotted my downfall.
I don’t think I’m particularly tech-challenged. Not a geek, no, but certainly not one of the lost-tribes-of-the-Amazon-forest types. Then why should I be so helpless in the grasp of a SEAT, darn it? Only it’s not just the seat. EVERYthing seems to conspire against me. You know how business class offers you “the widest variety of entertainment in the sky”? Riiigghhht. Now, where do the headphones go? I spent nearly 10 minutes on a flight to Dubai trying to conceal my utter perplexity, all but whistling nonchalantly while I felt around the armrests, bent over to peer at the middle upright, ran my fingers over the padded sides, looking for That. Damn. Socket. All to no avail. In the process I plugged my headphones into an ashtray. Or a fuelling port. Or the autopilot, even. I must have looked like Mr Bean. Eventually the lady next to me heaved a deep sigh, gently removed my hand from the vicinity of her Dior-sheathed knee and pointed out the socket nestled under the armrest. Evil, I tell you. Whatever happened to standardisation?
It’s all about upgrades, of course. I’m just not mentally equipped to fly business class. Last time, between Chennai and Delhi, the damn engineering even managed to ruin my “chiefest, sole delight”. Well, not sole, really. Salmon steak. In a lovely herb reduction. It was just about the best meal one could have hoped for, considering how grotty in-flight food usually is. I was smart. I did NOT try to open all the little packs of condiments, because I KNOW the vinaigrette is implanted with an evil computer chip that will make it splash all over my trousers. Or worse, on my neighbour’s trousers. I didn’t even try to figure out all the superfluous cutlery that cascaded out of the folded napkin. (THREE identical spoons for ONE meal? What is this, the St James’ Court?!) Then I had to go and ruin it by deciding to watch some TV while I ate at my leisure.
You know how the nifty little TV screen folds out of the armrest? Yes, but why is it equipped to swivel in 27 different planes? Try working it round to face you when there’s already a large napkin-draped tray occupying the same space. In three minutes I managed about 29 different positions for the TV screen, none of them facing me. Rather like a Rubik’s cube. Then I gave in to destiny. And my temper. The stewardess ran out of her little curtained alcove at the sound that ensued.
Trying ineffectually to bend over the dinner tray to pick up (a) one soup bowl, empty (b) 236 pieces of fruit salad, all sticky (c) enough cutlery to fit out another French Revolution while at the same time avoiding (d) the baleful look of a neighbour with a sticky chocolate brownie in his lap and (e) a TV screen that seemed to be doubled over in laughter, I accepted that I do not BELONG in business class. Next time, no Rosa Parks song for me. Come on over to the back of the ‘Bus, I’ll be waiting right there. Given that I’m the large or economy size, it’s economy class for me from now on.
(11 votes, average: 4 out of 5)
Loading ...Posted by Neha Dara on Saturday, June 13, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Filed under Travel · Tagged business class travel, first-class travel
Hey nice post….
I’ve never flown first either. But, your experience will be useful for me if I fly first in the future…
Airlines have the challenge to fix every possible luxury in that tiny space to it’s business class travellers… poor chaps
[Reply]
neha Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
[Pankaj]
Glad you found Prufrock’s post useful.
[J.A.P]
See, not only did you help me, you helped many others too
[Reply]
Hey Neha,
Have something worthwhile too. its not bout flying business but bout the seat # 29E in the economy (wish i could post the PDF here), its a letter it reads likes this-
Dear Continental Airlines,
I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat #29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left arm and touch the door. All my sense are being tortured simultaneously, its difficult to say what is the worst part of sittng 29E really is?
Is it the sternch of the sanitation fluid that’s blown all over my body every 60 secs when the door opens ?is it the woosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passegers asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pronogaphic jig-saw puzzle…..
lots more to it
[Reply]
neha Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
[Megha]
I think I’ve encountered that somewhere before, probably as an email forward.
[Reply]
jasneet Reply:
June 21st, 2009 at 5:47 pm
hahhahahahaha……………………megha got struck
[Reply]
jasneet Reply:
June 21st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
hahahahaaa………………megha got struck and neha made her feel comfortable………
[Reply]
Hey, I Like. Very Much. Brings down my fear of flying somewhat. Thanks.
[Reply]
jasneet Reply:
June 21st, 2009 at 5:50 pm
well don’t feel bad ……….i too had the flying-phobia……….given turbulence making it worse………….but that was when i was 10 or 12 old
[Reply]
Tai Chi Reply:
June 25th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
… yeah, right … well, you know … i’m only about that old to a tortoise yet …
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lol, great one! Its good to explore new things but its scary when it comes to be a public show:)
[Reply]
Awesome piece of writing, ***!
Hope you are well now, Neha.
[Reply]
neha Reply:
June 29th, 2009 at 11:18 am
[Dipali]
Oh yes, all is well and good and happy
[Reply]