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Every now and then people tell me that everyone is writing a book, so when am I writing mine?

To which I say, never. And then they act as though I’m just being perverse, that I will not write a book just because everyone is writing a book.

No, I say. I will not write a book until I feel I have a story to tell, and so far I don’t feel that way, at least in terms of fiction. Non-fiction… well. There are stories I’m dying to explore. I have so many ideas that simply can’t be done in a newspaper because they need the length and depth of a book (also they are not the kind of stories that newspapers carry). I don’t know how those stories will turn out, but I’d really love to find out.

But those stories need more time than I can give them while I do a full-time job, and if I were to give up my full-time job, I’d need money for research and to live, so it doesn’t seem as though those stories will be explored any time soon. (If anyone here wants to offer me a fellowship or author-in-residence or some such thing to follow up those stories, please go ahead. I wouldn’t mind accepting a couple of crores.)

So when am I writing my book? Never. However, suddenly I’m very keen to write a book and that’s for the most frivolous reason ever.

The author bio
Do you read author bios?

I always do. And in lots of author bios – LOTS of them – I find that the author divides her/his time between Delhi and London, or Mumbai and New York or Kolkata and Singapore or some place and some place else.

For some reason, this seriously annoys me. I can’t explain why. Perhaps it’s jealousy. But it makes me want to hammer the author on the head with her / his own book or books. It annoys me so deeply that I once suggested to my sister, who is an author (name: Rupa Gulab, go buy her books now), that her author bio should say “Rupa Gulab divides her time between Dadar and Santacruz” – one being the place where her office was situated at the time and the other being the suburb of her residence at the time.

But she didn’t listen to me. Sisters are like that. (Btw, she has a new book coming out next month, called I Kissed a Frog. It’s a bunch of short stories plus twisted fairy tales and it will, no doubt, be classified as chick lit. But I say that every woman who reads this blog should not only read this book herself, but present it to every man she knows so that the idiot men of this country who see women purely as mother-as-opposed-to-person / sister-as-opposed-to-person / girlfriend-as-opposed-to-person / wife-as-opposed-to-person / daughter-as-opposed-to-person / you get the drift has the chance to grow a little wiser.)

Where was I?

Oh yes. My sister didn’t listen to me, but I just realised that I have the perfect author bio for myself and it is the true story of my life.

My author bio would read: “Kushalrani Gulab lives in Mumbai, but has her hair cut in Kolkata and her clothes tailored in Gurgaon.”

This is perfectly true.

After my last hair stylist moved to Dubai (where she has joined the five other hair stylists I went to over my 20 years in Bombay, why is Dubai stealing all my hair stylists? I’m convinced it’s a plot!), I have yet to find a good hair stylist in Bombay, whereas I have found two great hair stylists in Calcutta, so now I only cut my hair in Cal.

And a relative in Gurgaon presented me to an (apparently) fabulous tailor in Gurgaon so now I have a top coming from there (it will be couriered to me, I love living in the 21st century).

This author bio is so much posher than an author bio that would merely have me dividing my time between two far away cities. This author bio subtly indicates that I have the ability to travel casually for even the most basic things of my life, like having a haircut and filling my wardrobe.

So now I have my author bio ready.

So when will I write my book?

Never. (Unless someone gives me a couple of crores.)

(5 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5)

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