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What if…



So Shah Rukh Khan is in the news again. (When is he not?) The Indian hockey team is not in the news. (When is it ever?) The IPL, which is one month away, is also in the news. The Hockey World Cup, starting this month, is not. Now what if SRK – champion of the ostracised, darling of the media – bought the Indian hockey team?

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!

The Badshah of Bollywood is playing real life hero to the long-neglected Indian men’s hockey team.

King Khan has announced a takeover of the team from Hockey India for the whopping sum of Rs 17 crore, the same amount Aamir Khan-starrer 3 Idiots is earning per day.

This brings a definitive end to the crisis that began in January, after 22 of India’s top hockey players rejected Hockey India’s offer of Rs 25,000 each as incentive and refused to resume practice for the World Cup to be held in New Delhi this month.

Hockey India politely declined to cough up the estimated sum of nearly Rs 1.08 crore that the players were demanding as rewards for wining medals in 2009. Officials said the body had only Rs 30 lakh in their kitty — Rs 54.7 crore less than the budget of Khan’s upcoming film My Name is Khan.

Dates of the players for shooting their new promotional video ‘Puck de India’ have already been booked. The music video, composed by A.R. Rahman and choreographed by Khan’s close friend Farah Khan, is touted as the next sporting anthem of India and is likely to win Rahman his first Grammy nomination for ‘Best Composition for the world’s most underrated, underdog, underpaid, developing country’s sporting team not coached by a foreigner’.

Despite lyricist Gulzar admitting that Indian hockey does not involve the use of a puck, Khan argued that ‘aal izz well’ in the name of creative liberty.

While the hockey players have a small role in the video, it will feature several prominent guest appearances by Indian cricketers. Unfortunately dates for the shoot are clashing with the team’s World Cup matches. Khan is currently in talks with organisers to shift the venue of the tournament to New York to appease NRI audiences.

The players are also set to get a radical makeover, with uniforms designed by Khan’s best friend and personal stylist Karan Johar. The hot shorts (not unlike those worn by John Abraham in Dostana) and tee will be imprinted with the Red Chillies logo. Khan is also taking a personal interest in selecting the team’s cheering squad to boost their morale. The women’s hockey team, (yes it does exist) are potential candidates.

While the choice of a coach for the team has not been revealed, sources say that Khan has started training the boys by showing them the match-winning strategies employed in his film Chak de India. Each player has also been promised his own personal vanity van filled with Koffee hampers if the team wins.

Khan’s takeover of the Indian hockey team has created quite a stir in Bollywood. Not to be outdone, his on-again, off-again buddy/rival Salman Khan is said to be keen on buying the Indian kabaddi team. Meanwhile Aamir Khan, counting on the resounding success of his cricket film Lagaan, is planning another sporting flick centered on India’s official national sport – kho kho.

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Posted by Tasneem Nashrulla on Wednesday, February 10, 2010 at 9:14 pm 
Filed under Mumbai · Tagged , , , ,

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  • Dev

    I was prompted to ask if this was real, till I reminded myself of the title.

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  • VM

    Your imagination has really run riot this week- very much in tune with the media circus that accompanies The Great Khan’s every sniffle, sneeze and phlegmatic cough to the drumbeat of assorted political clowns!

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  • http://www.rohan-thefeeling.blogspot.com rohan sharma

    i wonder if this title hadn’t been so subtle, the imaginations would have been wild and the world cup would have been ours…… ;)

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  • http://bissibelebath.wordpress.com/ Krishna

    Lalit Modi would be planning to make a hockey version of IPL…… wouldn’t be so interesting….. :(

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    Hussain Reply:
    February 11th, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Hi,

    Unfortunately people run where the money is, and sadly in India wherever there is money it is gobbled up.

    It also makes me wonder as to why everybody is after Shah Rukh Khan these days?

    [Reply]

  • Rakesh

    Why do we expect the film stars to promote our sports? Where are the corporates? Even in that case we have to say, “What if?”

    [Reply]

    Jalebidreams Reply:
    February 12th, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Some more food for thought about unpopular things Indians do
    http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2010/02/11/bc-indian-olympic-team-vancouver.html

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  • Atul

    Subtle effort to add to the already ablaze arguments goin on about Mr.Khan…

    But that makes me wonder too, wats up with the Indian Hockey team, is it such a poorly paid sport all around the world..??I dont think so..

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    Jalebidreams Reply:
    February 12th, 2010 at 10:06 am

    This really does not seem funny.

    As VM correctly says, In tune with the media circus that accompanies The Great Khan’s every sniffle, sneeze and phlegmatic cough it’s pretty sad that you’re spoofing and satiring using the Indian Hockey team as an accompaniment to the insufferable Khan.
    For a change I guess he’s taken a sensible and mature decision to act in a movie like My Name Is Khan. Make fun of that

    That’s the problem with the media. It runs where the money and popularity lies. Atleast don’t joke using the unpopular Indian Hockey Team as a puppet

    I don’t know if HT is doing anything to showcase the state of Hockey in India. If they aren’t, why don’t you have a series of write ups in HT wherein you go around the breadth and length of the country to see what is happening at the grassroots, what can be done to improve them(have more tourneys at junior and senior levels, stop turning hockey grounds into shaadi mandaps, bring the red tapism of the administrators out in the open, write more about hockey hockey and hockey in the newspapers and get it into the psyche of everyone that there are sports other than Cricket which are played. Maybe sponsors will sit up and take notice.

    What happened to the PHL. Professional Hockey League is the full form for starters. It ran from 2005-2008. Died a quick and painful death. Well wait! It’s IPL not PHL. You’re crazy dude!

    Oh well, who’ll waste space over all this. It will not sell. We’ll not get pat on the back from the editor for covering this.

    The Winter Olympics starts today in Vancouver. India has three participants. Shiva Keshavan(Luge), Tashi Lundup(Cross Country Skiing) and Jamyang Namgyal(Alpine Skiing). Of course we would’nt have heard about this in India. Can we play in snow? No we have only seen on TV that we can throw snow balls and make snow men other than the other privileged few who have seen snow.Lol!!!!!!!

    HT had a campaign sometime back. It’s time to change or it’s time things changed if I remember correctly. Let’s bring a change in our writing, HT.

    Come on Tasneem. I’ve been reading your blog for quite long. You write really well. Let’s write something unpopular, uncool and make a change.

    We talk some much about patriotism and nationalism. Time to talk about our national sport, Hockey. Rest in peace, Dhyanchand!

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    Gibreel Reply:
    February 22nd, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Why make cricket apologetic for the woes of Hockey or any other sport?
    Why is it sin to like cricket? Someone decided that our ‘national’ sport is Hockey and we HAVE to like it? A ‘National’ sport is stupid phrase anyway.

    I like cricket, I find hockey boring. Its SIMPLE!

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    Jalebidreams Reply:
    February 24th, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    @ gibreel

    Make no mistake I love Cricket like any other Indian does. Infact, I would say that I like it more than an average Indian fan would do. I have cried when the Indian Cricket team has lost games.

    No one says it is a sin to like Cricket. What I want to say is that there is a world outside Cricket.
    No doubt Cricket is popular and that is why people, money and media have a merry go round around it.

    What I want to bring to notice is that Hockey is suffering miserably. We have 8 golds in Olympics, 1 World Cup and 2 golds each at the Asian Games and Asia Cup.

    What I want to bring to notice is the plight of players, past and present in Hockey. Most of the retired players do not have jobs and are suffering. In Cricket if you lose your career to injury you can atleast become a coach or take up commentary due to the money pouring in from all sides. Ever heard about Rajeev Mishra? He was an excellent drag flicker at the Junior Hockey World Cup held in Milton Keynes in 1997 in which India lost to Australia in the final. Last heard he had a torrid knee injury and was having a tough time. There are many more stories of such Hockey players who are suffering miserably and have faded into oblivion.

    Has Cricket won any Olympic gold medal? We have won one Cricket World Cup.

    My motive is to bring attention to the plight of Sports other than Cricket in our nation. I guess as an Indian we would not want to be known as a nation of only one sport.

    Gibreel Reply:
    February 22nd, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Go Boy!

    Hockey is not underpaid, there are crores going out of budget for the sports. But no one would accept the blunt fact. No sports team is popular/successful/rich by the government efforts. They reach all those milestones of glory because they WIN.

    Our hockey team does NOT win, its simple. A sport’s growth is organic, there are a few who shine in all the audacities and get us the glory. ‘World cup’ ‘Olympics’ ‘Asiads’. WELL, win something…and see the line of sponsors waiting to get their names tagged on your T shirts.

    Instead of blaming cricket, media, Khan…just win us a cup (read ANY cup) and see us lined back in support. Do you read that my dear ‘national’ sport team.

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  • Jagriti

    “Angrez chale gaye, cricket chhod gaye” is what i think of when i hear and see all the hype behind the cricket. Hockey is supposed to be our “national sport”, but the status it gets hardly arouses any pride or enthusiasm. Like our national animal, maybe what we need is a campaign to save our national sport too…

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  • http://www.vineeesh.blogspot.com Vineesh

    Gr8 work buddy

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  • http://speakingpictures.blogspot.com/ Ankit Gupta

    i think that was motivated fr FIP :P

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  • http://www.astrology.com Classified

    Come on Tasneem. I’ve been reading your blog for quite long. You write really well. Let’s write something unpopular.Thnks for sharing.

    ——————————
    Narayan

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  • http://www.bseindia.com Classifides

    Shah Rukh Khan is the co owner of the kokalta knight rider. He is also good actor. His action is well in om shanti om, etc..Like our national animal, maybe what we need is a campaign to save our national sport also equal.
    —————-
    Arrow

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  • http://www.radiff.com hindustan

    Rahman and choreographed by Khan’s close friend Farah Khan, is touted as the next sporting anthem of India and is likely to win Rahman his first Grammy nomination.
    —————————–
    sujatha

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  • http://www.sellcar-uk.com/ Fredhixton

    I understand now how Bollywood help in selling cars. Basing the fact that it was risky for drivers on their cars to load and travel in such a rocky place. It wasn’t helpful for the drivers but helpful for the marketers . Thanks for sharing.

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  • Rakesh katyal

    Army is fighting terror with blood and sweat in J&K and North East. However it will find no representation in NIA or NCTC where only the failed bureaucracy will have a field day. That is the tragedy of our system. We work for empire building rather than efficiency and accountability.

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_URSXATBEMZ7HUAB3OH36PLYWDM Ashok

    The concept underlying NCTC is sound. It should be taken up for serious implementation when circumstances are more supportive. The state police forces have their limitations and are certainly not equipped to effectively counter a problem which has such a large external dimension.

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  • Girish Nayak

    Even now if citizens of all states do not want Modi as PM then atleast create any person like Modi in every state as a CM who can work what modi has done for Gujarat.

    There after Congress will never come to power like in Gujarat. There will no voting on base of cast or religion all are equals no one specials, no appeasment

    Select Modi of your state and enjoy real democracy with development.

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  • arun

    The dilution is because of ‘Bureaucratic Control’ a la “Yes Minister”. Bold decisions, require political will which is conspicuous by its absence due to “coalition dharma”.

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  • Ramesh Talwani

    CONGRESS IS STILL LIVING IN FOOLS PARADISE..THE APPROACH IS SAME AS NEHRU HAD. NEHRU DAMAGED THE PSYCHE OF THE NATION.CORRUPTION BECAME WAY OF LIFE.UNDER KAMRAJ PLAN WHEN RAILWAY MINISTER SKPATIL WAS REMOVED ,HE GAVE A SPEECH IN BOMBAY,WHICH MEANT ,PEOPLE TALK OF CORRUPTION,WHAT CORRUPTION,IF YOU WANT TO SEE CORRUPTION SEE IN CENTRE,HE WAS REINDUCTED IN AS CABINET MINISTER.
    NO WONDER CONGRESS HAS PROGRESSED IN CORRUPTION.
    NOW TALKING OF NCTC,SEE THE INCIDENCES HAPPENING IN DELHI ITSELF UNDER DIRECT CHARGE OF HOME MINISTER .
    CAN NATION BE EVER SAFE UNDER SUCH LEADERSHIP.
    GOD BLESS OUR COUNTRY.

    [Reply]